Arnold double feature

Commando (1985) * * * *

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells,David Patrick Kelly, Bill Duke, Alyssa Milano

Directed by Mark L. Lester

Schwarzenegger declares war and kills everyone who practically moves in his quest to destroy an ousted dictator who kidnapped his daughter, and to get revenge on his friend Bennett (Wells) who betrayed him, while trying to get there in time to save his daughter with the help of a Flight Attendant (Pilot in training) All you really need to know is that Schwarzenegger flexes his muscles, shoots at least 500 people and then when he runs out of bullets uses pitchforks, machetes and a skillsaw blades to scalp, amputate and slaughter anonymous bad guys without blinking. In other words this is classic Schwarzenegger brought to us from the same guy who gave us the equally excellent Class Of 1984. The anything goes finale is basically the highlight but there is much to enjoy such as when Schwarzenegger actually rips out a phonebooth with a bad guy in it and then chuck it over his shoulder, or the way Schwarzenegger gets hit by a car and yet keeps going (Making this the second movie in a row where Schwarzenegger was hit by a car) The best part of Commando is simply the fact that it is nothing more than just a turkey shoot and really you can’t go wrong with that. While Rambo:First Blood Part II was the more popular of the two, this one was the more fun of the two, but why not make time for both? If anything else this is what led to the greatness of 80s Action and you really can’t go wrong with Commando. Indeed Lester’s subsequent efforts Class Of 1999, Showdown In Little Tokyo and Night Of The Running Man while not as good as results of this and Class Of 1984, are still well worth seeing.

Total Recall (1990) * * *1/2


Cast:Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rachel Ticotin, Ronny Cox, Michael Ironside, Sharon Stone

Directed by Paul Verhoeven

Schwarzenegger stars as Quaid, a seemingly everyday construction worker plagued by nightmares of Mars, despite the reluctance of his wife (Stone) Quaid gets an artifical vacation but ends up awakening the past and remembers he was a secret agent while all of a sudden everyone is trying to kill him and now Quaid has to somehow overthrow Cohaagen (Cox) and his first lieutenant Richter (Ironside) Total Recall is a good action movie, but it’s a classic for Science Fiction. The best element is that Verhoeven films the action without let up but he also takes the time to add novel touches like the Johnny Cab, The whole idea of Artificial vacations and how Verhoeven toys with whether Schwarzenegger is dreaming or not, then things get truly even more mind bending when we learn of mutants and an reactor that will save everyone Mars (as you have to buy air) Total Recall is a smart and intriguing story wrapped up in action spectacle, indeed if there is a flaw it could be that the film doesn’t develop the elements as much as you would like. For instance Schwarzenegger’s past is not really explained and the whole twists and turns sometimes provide plot holes, such as why Schwarzenegger would get that much help from double agents or for that matter what the rebels do to well, rebel. The best element is that Total Recall gets wilder and crazier with every minute, as to create a surreal movie, Indeed the film though feels like an acid trip but that adds to the fun factor and Total Recall still holds up well twenty years later and remains one of Schwarzenegger’s all time best.

Invasion USA (1985) * * *


Cast:Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch, Melissa Prophet, Alex Colon

Directed by Joseph Zito

“America wasn’t ready…but he was!” said the tagline to one of the most outrageous and completely ridiculous bodycount-actioners ever made. Invasion USA breaks away from Norris’ usual martial arts swagger in favor of one man army antics and the result is in parts hilarious and entertaining. Invasion USA is actually a lot more fun as a time capsule than you might expect, for instance this was laughable in the 80s but now it’s just evolved into classic bodycount camp. The big thing is that the movie is pretty much the Chuck Norris Facts:The Movie, we witness Norris drive cars through malls and shoot his uzis at anonymous militia mercenaries (it’s not even really the Russians, though the leader is a Russian) led by grim faced America value hating Richard Lynch. What makes Invasion USA so enjoyably bad is the set up scenes as when the mercenaries blow up the suburbs on Christmas day, they try to blow up a school bus with kids only to have Norris (completely un-phased, may I add) take the bomb off the boss and then nonchalantly put it on the terrorist’s car quipping “Did you lose this” Invasion USA also opens with the slaughter of Cuban immigrants in what would be at home as a parody of border patrol in some futuristic movie. However Invasion USA is technically well made. The production values are slick, the action sequences are exciting and often well put together and the whole movie is paced pretty well. Joseph Zito then films such action at a brisk pace and the final showdown with the National Guard which leads to a the duel with bazookas (Of course) make this one of the most entertaining flicks from Norris’ catalog. Indeed, it feels like a PM movie made in the Reagan era because everything blows up real good. A guilty pleasure then perhaps but there is something that feels so bad it feels good.

Cynthia Rothrock binge

Above The Law
(1986) * * * 1/2


Cast:Yuen Biao, Cynthia Rothrock, Corey Yuen, Roy Chiao, Siu Wong-Fan, James Tien, Karen Shepherd

Directed by Corey Yuen

A kung fu lawyer (Biao) turns vigilante after being upset over how triads can buy the judge, however dogging him on the way is Interpol agent (Rothrock) who doesn’t want anyone to take the law into their own hands and who gives as good as she gets, Above The Law (AKA Righting Wrongs) is an excellent martial arts movie that features some of the best fight sequences ever staged, indeed where as Jackie Chan has the best stunts in Police Story and such, this has some of the best fight choreography as there is no shortage of suspense and the imagination in these fight sequences make this a must see for kung fu fans. The story is also developed and provides a narrative that doesn’t follow the predictable path (Especially the ending) and while the motivation for Biao is standard stuff, the actual investigation that features an honest cop (played by Yuen) actually provides some actual drama that makes you feel for the characters. I must repeat that the fight sequences are truly spectacular and thrilling, there is nothing you’ve seen before and it makes for a satisfying mix. Yuen Biao is one of the most underrated martial artists but he is also a very good actor as well, Rothrock too works extremely well and basically because we care about the characters we are actually involved in what happens to them. The biggest tragedy is that Above The Law was harder to find back in the day, where the typically lame Rothrock American made movies were always there. Above The Law though is an excellent movie, I really don’t know how to review it without turning such into repetitive compliments, but trust me this is one of the all time greats of the martial arts genre and if you haven’t seen this, you really should. Above The Law also ranks as Rothrock’s best movie to date.

Lady Dragon (1992) * *

Cast: Cynthia Rothrock, Richard Norton, Robert Ginty

Directed by David Worth

Rothrock plays an ex-CIA agent who goes looking for vengeance against the drug lord (Norton) who killed her husband and raped her while her ex-boss (Ginty) might have something to do with things in this uninspired Rothrock vengeance saga. The plot tells you all you need to know and you plug in a few fight sequences which are adequately staged but don’t really salvage this strictly formula kung fu flick. Indeed even the novel idea of a woman doing the avenging plays no part as the film makes no difference to the gender of the characters. The one thing Lady Dragon has in its favor is a charismatic leading lady who deserves better material to work with, and a cast of decent actors such as Richard Norton and Robert Ginty who are clearly wasted by Lady Dragon’s completely lame story. Ginty’s appearance is ultimately disappointing because he doesn’t really get to much of anything and his character is a stock role that is bland and forgettable. Lady Dragon aside from the nifty title, a few moments of decent (low rent) action and the three actors make this film tolerable but not very memorable. The Indonesian locations are poorly shot and the film looks really cheap as well making this film one for Rothrock die hards only.

Lady Dragon 2 (1994) *

Cast: Cynthia Rothrock, Billy Drago, Sam J. Jones

Directed by David Worth

A remake of the original more than a sequel, only this time Rothrock avenges her soccer player husband and her own rape at the hands of Jewel thieves led by Billy Drago and goons. Once again everything that plagued the original is here in full effect, except this time it’s even duller around as the movie doesn’t even feature that good of action sequences. The Indonesian locale just looks ugly, I’m sure the country is beautiful and would make a great back drop for movies but here the film just looks repulsive. Completely dreary and devoid of life, indeed that’s Lady Dragon 2’s biggest flaw, it’s lifeless and completely unnecessary. Billy Drago gives yet another one of his over exaggerated performances that seems some
what sleepy, suggesting that Drago could care less about the role, Rothrock meanwhile is miscast in a role Bronson personified. Rothrock doesn’t do meaty drama very well and her motivation for vengeance is unconvincing and ungainly. Lady Dragon 2 just doesn’t have anything worthwhile about it, the fight sequences are indifferently choreographed while the film has all the excitement of televised golf, It’s truly hard to believe the director of this co-directed Kickboxer 1. Lady Dragon 2 is a low budget disaster that has the serious misfortune of also being a complete bore.

Undefeatable (1993) *
Cast: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, John Miller

Directed by Godfrey Ho

One of the greatest camp gems has Cynthia Rothrock as a street fighter who goes up against a serial killer martial artist named Sting Ray (Niam) who kills numerous women after being jilted by his fetching red headed wife, meanwhile a martial arts expert cop (Miller) on the case and it’s only a matter of time before cop and street fighter join forces to ice the sting ray. Unintentionally hilarious martial arts hijinks finds what is one of the most hysterical villain ever committed to celluloid, Sting Ray played by Don Niam is just extremely hilarious. Sting Ray just attacks at random sans rhyme and reason as he just attacks any random anonymous red head sometimes with a certain dress and sometimes not (the film makes so little sense) The film has no basis on credibility as the police instead of questioning sex offenders or rapists start with martial artists who practice a particular technique. Meanwhile there are incestuous overtones that drive Sting Ray to murder women. Lastly the ending is hilarious but the actual ending after the final dispatch is baffling. Undefeatable is an awesomely bad kung fu movie, I mean the quality doesn’t even match Bruce Le’s Greatest Revenge, the choreography is decent and the fight sequences have their moments but overall this is strictly for comic value. If anything else the finale and the groan inducing Schwarzenegger-esque clips are worth the price of admission, in other words if you like really hilariously inept and utterly incompetent kung fu terribleness, keep your eyes peeled for Undefeatable.

Midnight Express (1978) * * * *

Cast:Brad Davis, John Hurt, Randy Quaid, Paul L. Smith, Norbert Weisser, Irene Miracle, Bo Hopkins

Directed by Alan Parker

The late (underrated) Brad Davis stars as Billy Hayes a dope smuggling American who screws up when he is sent to a Turkish prison camp where he slowly loses hope, humanity and his sanity before he springs his escape and gets back to the U.S. Midnight Express has been considered racist and angry and I for one agree with that assessment if looked at in a completely face value way. A lot of the movie is fabricated (the real life Billy Hayes didn’t kill anyone) but the effect and message is all the same. Many others have brought up that you shouldn’t feel bad for Billy Hayes because he is smuggling keys of dope into this country, but this is the point. How one absurd mistake and not realizing the culture can in fact get you in a situation that is way over your head. I think the most fascinating part of Midnight Express is how close to home it hits the American attitude regarding other countries. The movie has a standout scene where Brad Davis delivers a speech on how the Turks can hold having 53 days in his face then turn it into a 30 year sentence, unaware of how the rules work in a foreign land. Brad Davis’ character then isn’t as sympathetic and probably with good reason because the way Midnight Express shows the atmosphere of true hell, such might be a good thing as the suspense  reaches intense levels. The big fight sequence between Davis and a fellow Turk in particular takes one aback. Indeed the most powerful element is the way the characters are isolated, the U.S embassy is helpless, they don’t really know the language and it is survival every single day and not only can the Americans not do anything about it, they don’t seem to really care about helping out. Sure the film does paint Turks in an unflattering light but I think the fact that Davis has in fact screwed up and is being forced to face the music makes Midnight Express fascinating and thought provoking. Indeed the big racist speech where Davis calls the Turks pigs, is well done because he goes on to ask for human mercy, complains how he has done enough time and that it’s not fair and how things that are illegal become legal again when others do it around them, it’s a tell tale sign of Foreign thinking that holds no water in a society built on strict values and religious principles. Midnight Express would go on to inspire many ugly prison films like the Van Damme flick In Hell but this is the only prison flick that earns it’s ugly drama and ultimately becomes fascinating. Even 30 some years later Midnight Express remains one of the all time best prison movies and perhaps a stern warning for those who don’t do as the Romans do.

Machete (2010) * * *


Cast: Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Savini

Rodriguez follows up Planet Terror by making a movie out of the fake trailer promised 3 years ago in the undeserved flop of Grindhouse, the result all things considered are fairly successful as Machete finds Danny Trejo as an ex-federale turned day laborer who is forced by Booth (Fahey) to be the triggerman of a prominent Senator McLaughlin (De Niro, in a performance which shows actual enthusiasm for once) when things go awry Trejo starts using such things like weedwackers and of course machetes to get even with the bad guys who doublecrossed him, unable to stop him, Booth calls in the talents of minute men militia leader Jackson (Johnson) and Machete’s old foe Torrez (Seagal, in one of his best turns) to dispatch him once and for all. Aiding our hero is the help of She (Rodriguez) a leader of a gang of miffed Mexicans and straight and narrow Border cop Rivera (Alba, the film’s weakest performance) with Lindsay Lohan just sort of showing up in a nun’s habit toting a gun in the fire ball fueled finale. Machete isn’t 100% as great as the original trailer promised, but it does move and manages to be enjoyable in a silly homage type of way. Rodriguez does seem to be trying a little too hard and the film seems to be too tongue in cheek (especially in comparison to the blaxploitation flicks) but Machete works due to the cast which all provide great characters in their own right. The villains in particular played by Fahey, Johnson, De Niro and (surprisingly) Seagal all provide excellent fodder for Trejo to mow down for our entertainment. Trejo meanwhile has the charisma and swagger to recall Charles Bronson. Indeed the only real downside is the ladies in the cast, as Lohan fares the best but has a character that is badly written, Rodriguez just seems to disappear and return at regular intervals when the plot requires it and Alba is depressingly vapid. That said the film moves at a brisk pace, the action is well staged and the movie works on its own ridiculous level. Machete then is trash, but of the fun variety.

Steele Justice (1987) * * *

Cast: Martin Kove, Sela Ward, Soon-Tek Oh, Ronny Cox, Bernie Casey, Robert Kim, Shannon Tweed,Joseph Campanella, Jan Gan Boyd, Peter Kwong

Vietnam vet and one man army John Steele (Martin Kove) takes on the Vietnamese army after the death of his war buddy (Kim) and in the process steals military equipment and single handedly finds closure from his Vietnam days by wiping out the Vietnamese gangs that is led by an old enemy from the war (Oh) Steele Justice is one of those movies that have to be seen to be believed. It’s so over the top it makes Death Wish 3 seem like a model of plausibility. For instance would you be surprised if I told you that the movie features rats with live grenades strapped to their backs trying to kill our hero? Or what if I told you that our hero gets shot with a poison dart, he cuts out the poison, sucks out the poison and then cauterizes it with a frying pan. Steele’s wife (Ward) who is in a on and off again relationship with Steele is also a music director giving us a really bad 80s music video, while our hero also uses a poisonous snake to kill various bad guys, steals dope and then closes the Vietnamese mob in closed doors before shooting his wife with a beanbag gun (!) “ I don’t want to run, I’m simply keeping you in” is what Kove yells to the bad guys when they tell him there is nowhere to run. Steele Justice then is competently made as far as these things go, but the film is best appreciated as 80s action camp. Martin Kove meanwhile makes for an enjoyable hero whose playfulness goes a long way to making this a pretty fun Rambo rip off.

Shootfighter series

Shootfighter (1993) *1/2



Cast:Bolo Yeung, Martin Kove, Maryam D`Abo, William Zabka, Michael Bernardo,Eddie Albert, John Barrett

Directed by Pat Alan

Sub-par gladiator martial arts nonsense that finds Bolo in a rare good guy role since the obscure 70s kung fu flick Bolo, the plot this time revolves around a no holds barred secret tournament where martial artists fight each other to the death with their hands and feet and an occasional weapon all for the entertainment for the wealthy high rollers who are always in movies like this, meanwhile Zabka (of Karate Kid 1 fame) is there for his debts to loan sharks while Bernardo tries to rescue Zabka from getting hurt while Kove (from Karate Kid 1-3 and Steele Justice) is using Zabka and Bernardo as pawns to draw Yeung back in a death match, in this extremely derivative and completely mindless kung fu cheapie. Shootfighter is of course not in the same league as Hong Kong movies that feature dazzling choreography and quality acting and scripts, but the problem here is that the film just isn’t entertaining in a trashy way. The film is like every single martial arts movie ever made but because the choreography is indifferently staged the film is clearly a pretender in the fight arena as movies like Bloodsport, Kickboxer (2 and 4 as well), King Of The Kickboxers offer far better action bang for the buck. Meanwhile the film is derailed by lame subplots regarding Zabka and D’Abo (who is completely out of place) and there is no real big time threat in the ring to give our heroes any real competition. Shootfighter has a great heart pulling scene and a rare appearance from Bolo Yeung as a good guy, but in terms of entertainment, such novelties are a pretty slim bounty all things considered.